| MONOLOGUE JOKES (updated weekly) |
January 28, 2012 Obama says he’s "going to fight as hard as I can" to win reelection. Which scares the GOP, since black people are really good at fighting. |
January 24, 2012 Research suggests magic mushrooms can be used to treat depression. Because depression is caused by a strong grasp of reality. |
January 23, 2012 A cancer patient is selling artwork to defray his medical costs. The good news is it will be worth a lot of money soon. That's also the bad news. |
January 22, 2012 Thousands of anti-abortionists marched in San Fran on Roe v. Wade's 39th anniversary. Many more were unable to attend, due to being aborted. |
January 16, 2012 A study shows an increase in the number of headphone-wearing pedestrians being killed. Mostly by headphone-wearing drivers. |
January 16, 2012 Jay-Z vows to stop using the B-word in honor of his daughter. He says he's got 99 problems, and one of them is with the word “bitch.” |
January 16, 2012 Burger King will try offering home delivery. Thus completes our full transition from hunter-gatherers to sitter-receivers. |
January 2, 2012 The Duggar family has endorsed Rick Santorum. This marks their 20th bad decision in a row. |
December 25, 2011 A man who performed liposuction on a woman has been charged for impersonating a doctor. The woman’s been charged for impersonating exercise. |
December 20, 2011 Mark Zuckerberg’s latest “personal challenge” is to eat only what he kills. Like free time and privacy. |
December 18, 2011 Ellen DeGeneres is buying Brad Pitt’s Malibu Home. And so it will remain a pussy magnet. |
December 17, 2011 People protested Lowe's for pulling its ads from TLC's "All-American Muslim." A better way to get them to sponsor the show is by watching it. |
December 17, 2011 Barry Bonds was sentenced to house arrest for steroids. Bars will be installed on his doors 2 feet apart, just under the width of his head. |
December 17, 2011 The census shows 1 in 2 people are poor or low-income. They are "the 50%." |
December 6, 2011 The FDA could decide to allow teens access to the Plan B pill. That would be like letting them retake an exam. |
December 6, 2011 Rosie O’Donnell is engaged to girlfriend Michelle Rounds. Please tell me she changes her name to Rosie Rounds. |
December 6, 2011 The U.S. Postal Service may end overnight delivery. So you might actually reach the clerk before the 1st person in line’s mail is delivered. |
December 3, 2011 Scientists discovered that wasps are wired to recognize each other's faces. Mostly by the blue eyes and blond hair. |
December 3, 2011 A NY teacher is in hot water for telling second-graders there is no Santa. Who knew a teacher could get in trouble for teaching? |
December 2, 2011 An Afghan woman who was raped has been forced to marry the rapist – a sentence that will surely deter future rapists. |
November 27, 2011 Authorities removed a child from his mother after he grew to more than 200 pounds. That must have been one hell of a C-section. |
November 26, 2011 Piers Morgan welcomed a baby daughter. Fortunately, his wife talked him out of naming her Wharfs. |
November 26, 2011 Lady Gaga writes that in a guy she looks for anything “from a really big dick to a degree at Harvard.” In other words, the entire spectrum. |
November 26, 2011 A condemned two-time murderer criticized Oregon’s governor for halting his execution. That’s how much he loves murder. |
November 26, 2011 A woman who pepper-sprayed rival shoppers on Black Friday surrendered. She claimed she thought those ahead in line were trying to rape her. |
November 26, 2011 Israel has threatened to cut off water and power to Gaza. And thus restore it to its pre-Israel condition. |
November 26, 2011 According to his lawyer, Dominique Strauss-Kahn may be the victim of a plot to destroy him. Most likely perpetrated by his penis. |
November 26, 2011 Thieves stole a red kettle full of money from a Salvation Army bell ringer. Ironically, the money still went to the homeless. |
November 25, 2011 Shooting and pepper-spraying marred Black Friday shopping events. Which would make sense if the toys were food. |
November 25, 2011 Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. Also known as Men’s International Day of Rest. |
November 25, 2011 Seven were arrested on hate crime charges in Amish hair cutting attacks. Clearly this was not being investigated by the fashion police. |
November 24, 2011 Research shows humans were catching tuna 42K years ago. Linguistically, this means humans were already able to describe a vagina's smell. |
November 21, 2011 A Neo-Nazi group adopted a highway in Delaware. Because if there’s one thing they hate more than Jews, it’s litter. |
November 20, 2011 A fake plastic surgeon injected a woman with tire sealant to give her a more curvaceous body. She instead ended up with a spare tire. |
November 18, 2011 U.S. doctors disagree on when pregnancy begins. I believe it begins around the time my life ends. |
November 18, 2011 Psychologists recorded what happens in the brain during a female volunteer’s orgasm. They found that it did, indeed, stimulate their brains. |
November 18, 2011 McDonald's dropped an egg supplier over cruelty allegations, saying: “You don’t treat chickens that way. They’re not cows, for crissakes!” |
November 18, 2011 A pilot got stuck in the lavatory and prompted a terror scare. TSA will respond by restricting people to 3.4 oz of liquid in their bladder. |
November 12, 2011 Herman Cain says God told him that he needed to run for president. Which is weird, because God also told me not to vote for him. |
November 8, 2011 Poland elected its first female parliamentary speaker and seated its first gay and transsexual members. Still not crazy about Jews, though. |
November 8, 2011 Australia announces new carbon tax laws. The rest of the world wonders why anyone would impose a “cabin tax.” |
November 6, 2011 Justin Bieber will take a DNA test to prove he is not Mariah Yeater's baby daddy. He may also opt to show that his hymen is still intact. |
October 31, 2011 Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting divorced. Sources say it’s because he wanted to change his name to Chris. |
October 31, 2011 Uganda said the UK has an "ex-colonial mentality" in cutting aid to anti-gay countries. Ballsy: pulling the race card to promote homophobia. |
October 30, 2011 Catholic University has been sued over Muslim students’ rights. If any organization should be sued over Muslims’ rights, it’s Islam. |
October 28, 2011 New apps help parents track their kids' location while trick-or-treating. And another app later helps parents track their kids’ diabetes. |
October 25, 2011 A study shows time spent outdoors leads to better eyesight. Which explains why you never see a homeless guy with glasses. |
October 19, 2011 At least 1 in 10 Americans uses antidepressants. The other 9 eat their sadness. |
October 19, 2011 Rihanna released a music video showing an abusive relationship with a Chris Brown lookalike. It’s a beating you can truly shake your ass to. |
October 19, 2011 Israel made freed prisoners promise not to return to terrorism. That’s like having 72 virgins within dick’s reach and promising not to fuck them. |
October 19, 2011 A Las Vegas man is seeking surgery for his 100-pound scrotum. And I thought I haven’t been laid in awhile. |
October 19, 2011 On "20/20" Mariah Carey and Nick Canon will reveal their twins, Moroccan and Monroe. Viewers expect they’ll look more Moroccan than Monroe. |
October 19, 2011 In fiscal 2011 the US deported 396,906 people, or 5 families. |
October 15, 2011 Three Zimbabwean women in their mid-20s were charged with raping 17 men. The jury will no doubt find the defendants awesome. |
October 14, 2011 Studies show women who take the pill have less sexual satisfaction and choose men who are reliable as fathers. Ugh, back to square abortion. |
October 12, 2011 Hamas agreed to free an Israeli in exchange for 1027 Palestinian prisoners. Even Hamas thinks one Israeli life is worth 1027 Palestinians. |
October 8, 2011 Eight people were shot after a gang argument at a Dallas rap contest. Which is to say eight people lost at a Dallas rap contest. |
October 8, 2011 New fossilized dinosaur tracks found in Arkansas are thought by researchers to be from Acrocanthosaurus atokensis, and by locals from Satan. |
October 3, 2011 A man ripped out his eyeballs at a church in Italy because he was hearing voices. That’s like tearing off your dick because your ass hurts. |
October 3, 2011 A woman on trial for killing her spouse is using the battered woman defense. A lesson to wife-beaters everywhere: you better finish the job. |
October 1, 2011 Researchers observed that one dose of shrooms led to a “positive personality change” in 60% of patients. The other 40% “shit their pants.” |
September 27, 2011 Actress Leisha Hailey was kicked off a Southwest flight for kissing her girlfriend. Southwest said they had to find SOME way to stop the line to the men's room. |
September 26, 2011 A former Texas prison cook has offered to make last meals for free. Suddenly capital crime seems all the more appealing to Jews. |
September 26, 2011 Two Tibetan monks set themselves on fire to protest Chinese policies. They’re basically the Amish version of suicide bombers. |
September 26, 2011 King Abdullah has promised to grant Saudi women suffrage. Now every husband in the country will have TWO votes! |
September 25, 2011 A study suggests that the purpose of yawning may be to cool the brain – which apparently gets overheated when listening to a woman talk. |
September 23, 2011 Texas will no longer allow death row offenders to choose their last meal. But it's still allowing Texans to choose their every meal. |
September 15, 2011 Australian passports will have a 3rd gender to serve intersex people. Hopefully unlike the USSR allowed origin on passports to “serve” Jews. |
September 13, 2011 Casey Anthony’s lawyers say it’s unfair to make her pay the cost of trying to find Caylee. How's it HER fault police didn’t twist her arm? |
September 10, 2011 Justin Bieber says he would like to be a young dad. Pretty much as soon as he figures out how. |
September 5, 2011 Insomnia costs us $63 billion annually in lost productivity. I can hear bosses everywhere yelling: “Quit chitchatting and get back to bed!” |
September 4, 2011 Hospital circumcision rates are down. While the cause is unclear, some believe it inhumane to have a clean, attractive penis. |
September 4, 2011 A mom made her 4-year-old wear fake boobs on TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras. Which is really confusing to pedophiles. |
August 31, 2011 Maya Angelou says MLK's memorial quote, “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness,” looks arrogant. He only minored in drum. |
August 30, 2011 An HIV-positive performer has shut down the L.A. porn industry. Consumers have shown support by observing ten minutes of not masturbating. |
August 26, 2011 Astronomers have discovered a planet made of diamond. It’s the first planet whose gravitational pull actually attracts pussy. |
August 13, 2011 The Dalai Lama has begun a three-day spiritual visit to France. Otherwise known as a vacation. |
August 6, 2011 A study says weight loss boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting those treadmills, ladies. |
August 6, 2011 Germany threatened Facebook with legal action over its facial recognition software. They say it fails to identify which faces are Jewish. |
August 6, 2011 The internet turns 20 years old today. Which makes me realize I’ve “used” it when it was only a minor. |
August 3, 2011 Japan made a robot that can lift a patient weighing up to 176 lbs onto a wheelchair. America hopes they will come out with an adult version. |
August 3, 2011 New requirements will make insurance cover birth control and sterilization with no co-pays. So there’s no longer any excuse for your child. |
August 2, 2011 Experts say domestic violence can damage long-term mental health. Something for women to consider next time they think about mouthing off. |
July 30, 2011 Africa will represent 49% of global population growth by 2050, prompting other earthlings to lament that “they’re taking over the neighborhood.” |
July 30, 2011 Hugh Hefner’s former fiancée told Howard Stern he lasted only 2 seconds in bed. At least that way he could bang her 450 times before her 15 minutes were up. |
July 29, 2011 A study says people who get nose jobs are often mentally ill. Look, just because we don’t believe in Jesus… |
July 29, 2011 The number of US women having a stroke during pregnancy has surged. Of course, nowadays a lot of women getting pregnant are senior citizens. |
July 29, 2011 A man at the Jersey Shore was stung by a stingray. In similar news, an ant in Brazil was eaten by an anteater. |
July 29, 2011 Rosa Parks wrote in an essay that she was nearly raped in 1931. It was the first time she refused to give up her seat to a white man. |
July 29, 2011 A polygamist on trial explained that for a man to enter heaven he must have at least 3 wives. Any less and you’re practically a homosexual. |
July 24, 2011 The Institutes of Medicine said women should get the pill without a co-payment or deductible. Even if sluttiness is a preexisting condition. |
July 24, 2011 Researchers say DNA proves humans had sex with Neanderthals. Especially if they hated their fathers. |
July 23, 2011 The co-founder of Mattel Toys has died. He created Barbie and Ken, named after his daughter and son, who he always thought should date. |
July 22, 2011 Nepal will re-measure Mount Everest's height to end a dispute with China. One believes it should be measured from the base, the other from the balls. |
July 21, 2011 Al Qaeda plans a cartoon aimed at recruiting children. It’s a superhero story titled “Cap Ten Americans.” |
July 20, 2011 A study shows federal workers' job security is so great that its primary threat is death – usually caused by the customer they’re ignoring. |
July 20, 2011 The TSA is making scanners more private to hide nudity without hiding dangerous items. Personally, I’d rather they saw my penis than my bomb. |
July 20, 2011 30% of Missourians are now considered obese. The other 70% are now considered claustrophobic. |
July 20, 2011 A study says kids are less likely to be injured in an accident if grandparents are driving rather than parents. This is because collisions are far less severe at 10 MPH. |
July 20, 2011 A study says women are more likely to “sext” than men. Though it’s probably because they're using both hands. |
July 19, 2011 Bette Midler blasted Lady Gaga for stealing her singing-mermaid-in-a-wheelchair routine. Sounds like two insane people arguing about who was insane first. |
July 19, 2011 Michele Bachmann says migraines won’t be a problem if she’s elected president. At least not for her. |
July 19, 2011 New York City will hold a lottery for the first day of gay weddings. I still think they should give preference in order from gayest down. |
July 18, 2011 A Russian political campaign has women stripping for Putin to win an iPad 2. Also known as just stripping for an iPad 2. |
July 17, 2011 A PA restaurant has banned children under 6. They say it’s nothing against kids – it’s just an easier rule to enforce than “no pedophiles.” |
July 14, 2011 A study shows alpha male baboons have as much stress as beta male baboons. Luckily, it's relieved by alpha female and beta female blowjobs. |
July 14, 2011 The earliest surviving Jane Austen manuscript sold at auction for $1.6 million, a hefty price to pay for boredom. |
July 14, 2011 LA's reckless drivers are calling the closing of the 405 freeway “Carmageddon.” LA's vulnerable pedestrians are calling it “Karmageddon.” |
July 13, 2011 An expert promotes removing obese kids from their homes. However, he admits that in the most severe cases this may be physically impossible. |
July 13, 2011 A new fossil supports the theory that a meteor caused the extinction of dinosaurs. Or so the devil would have us believe. |
July 13, 2011 A California woman was accused of severing the penis of her husband, who is listed as in good condition at a hospital. Although, he begs to differ. |
July 9, 2011 A study says men with long-term relationships enjoy cuddling – or any other activity, for that matter, to avoid sex. |
July 8, 2011 To dispel rumors, Megan Fox posted a Facebook album called: "THINGS YOU CAN'T DO WITH YOUR FACE WHEN YOU HAVE BOTOX." Unfortunately, it's not what you're thinking. |
July 4, 2011 Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been accused once again of attempted rape. Guilty or innocent, it's clear that he’s not very good at rape. |
July 3, 2011 Scientists say the loudest insect attracts mates with noise made by rubbing its penis against its abdomen. It’s a solid strategy, even if no females show. |
July 3, 2011 A biker crashed and died during a helmet law protest. The funeral will be closed casket, as doctors were unable to remove his foot from his mouth. |
June 30, 2011 China has opened the world's longest sea bridge. Finally, the Chinese can claim something of theirs to be the world’s longest. |
June 28, 2011 News Corp is close to selling MySpace. In an attempt to lure more buyers, they’ve rebranded the asking price from $100,000,000 to $[______]. |
June 27, 2011 Bristol Palin says she hopes young girls learn from her mistakes – an impossible expectation since no one can choose a mother. |
June 27, 2011 Sarah and Bristol Palin will be signing books in Minnesota. The autographs will serve as the only part either of them has actually written. |
June 27, 2011 Al Qaeda is using more women as suicide bombers. Recruiters say this trend shows their resolve in repairing their record on gender equality. |
June 26, 2011 A portrait of Billy the Kid went for $2.3 million at auction. The sale serves as the Wild West outlaw’s biggest heist yet. |
June 26, 2011 A WI justice accused her colleague of putting her in a chokehold during a dispute. He reportedly quipped, “Will the defense please rest?” |
June 26, 2011 A husband and wife carried out a suicide attack in Pakistan. Check out http://escapes.livingsocial.com for more romantic getaways... |
June 25, 2011 Iran opened an international conference against terrorism. Iran said it is the responsibility of ALL countries to stop Iran’s terrorism. |
June 24, 2011 Germany to phase out nuclear power by 2022 in favor of white power. |
June 22, 2011 A pro-choice group’s ex-chief admitted to claiming a summer rental as a business expense. Angry donors say that money was meant for killing babies. |
June 20, 2011 McCain issued a clarification on his controversial statement that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona fires. He explained he was referring to the state's drop in employment. |
June 19, 2011 More Saudi women are defying the ban on driving. The government argues they unsafely neglect the Saudi custom of keeping your hands at 9 and 11. |
June 18, 2011 A study says women are more attracted to a man with a Porsche than a Honda. It took scholars from three universities to conclude the same thing as one guy from the Jersey Shore. |
June 18, 2011 South Korea shot at a jet coming from China that they mistook for a North Korean military aircraft. Even they can’t tell each other apart. |
June 11, 2011 Jack White and Karen Elson are celebrating their separation with a divorce party. The ceremony will include the vows: “I no longer do.” |
June 11, 2011 A Wichita doctor was arrested for committing a fatal hit-and-run. Colleagues say he had unorthodox methods of carrying on Kevorkian’s legacy. |
June 7, 2011 Khloe Kardashian apologized for accidentally exposing her breast on TV. But she has yet to apologize for purposefully exposing her face. |
June 7, 2011 The Supreme Court upheld in-state tuition for illegal immigrants. Now Mexicans are stealing our learnin', too. |
June 5, 2011 Bernie Madoff's underwear fetched $200 at a FL auction. Unfortunately, it was the pair he wore the day he was charged with securities fraud. |
June 4, 2011 A Chinese teen sold his kidney for an iPad 2. Luckily, there’s an app for regulating electrolytes, filtering blood, and removing wastes. |
June 4, 2011 Ex-Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger has died. Perhaps the most patriotic government employee, his only rival was mailman Samuel Jazzfries. |
May 31, 2011 Holland is ending drug tourism. Visitors to Amsterdam looking to alter their state of mind will now have to settle for the Anne Frank House. |
May 31, 2011 Mitt Romney told the Today show he likes Twilight and American Idol. He may have a shot at president if the voting age is changed to 12-year-old girl. |
May 31, 2011 Weather apps for smartphones are in demand. However, they still lag behind the old-fashioned method of asking an old person with arthritis. |
May 30, 2011 Putin announced a huge Russian road-building program. To provide the necessary labor force, he encourages more citizens to commit crimes. |
May 27, 2011 Subway plans to add avocado as a sandwich option. To conform with their “eat fresh” slogan, they’re calling it the “tangy, brown avocado.” |
May 25, 2011 With the recession, Baby Boomers fear they will outlive their retirement savings. To prevent this, the government suggests they take up smoking. |
April 19, 2011 Donald Trump recently called LaGuardia a “Third World" airport. His advisors informed him “Third World” does not simply mean “has black people.” |
April 19, 2011 The former home of spy Robert Hanssen is up for sale. At $725,000, it’s testament that betraying the US government affords a comfortable lifestyle. |
April 18, 2011 Oxygen has given Paris Hilton a reality show. However, despite her vast experience with reality TV, she still lacks experience with reality. |
April 18, 2011 NBC, the network that broadcasts Donald Trump’s megahit show “The Apprentice,” is concerned that if he decides instead to run for president…he may become president. |
April 16, 2011 The Philadelphia health department is offering free condoms to children as young as 11 in an effort to promote safe statutory rape. |
April 16, 2011 Research shows an inability to spot sarcasm may warn of oncoming dementia. This news does not bode well for Californians. |
April 15, 2011 The Lakers and GLAAD announced a partnership to end homophobic remarks. This will not be the first alliance between basketball and lesbians. |
April 13, 2011 New research shows weight loss improves memory, especially relating to where your penis is. |
April 13, 2011 Critics denounced the TSA for patting down a 6-year-old girl. However, the screener insisted on the "need to ensure no explosives be hidden in her smooth, tiny, hairless vagina.” |
April 13, 2011 A Pennsylvania weight-loss doctor was charged with sexually assaulting his patients, though rarely before treatment. |
April 10, 2011 France will become the first European country to ban the burqa. Under the new law, any woman caught wearing one will be stoned to death. |
April 10, 2011 China has told the US not to interfere in its human rights abuses, explaining that they’ve got it covered. |
April 10, 2011 Research shows unemployment plays a role in early death. Unless you’re a miner. |
April 8, 2011 Donald Trump has been rising in presidential polls. However, his bid may be hurt by the unemployment crisis, as he's publicly contributed to it. |
April 8, 2011 The FDA has approved a pill for Restless Legs Syndrome. Drug companies are now working on medication to combat Skepticism Disorder. |
April 6, 2011 The start of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s trial on charges of sex with a minor lasted less than 10 minutes, though the judge swears that never happens. |
April 6, 2011 A recent letter from Gadhafi to Obama reads: "Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama, your intervention is the name of the U.S.A. is a must, so that Nato (NATO) would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair." He goes on to write that he knows of a large sum of unclaimed money but will need Obama’s bank account information to obtain it… |
April 6, 2011 TLC debuts its new show, "Extreme Couponing." This may become another hit that executives almost didn’t air for fear it was “too Jewish.” |
April 6, 2011 A sewage holding tank burst in Gatlinburg, TN, killing two men. Officials described it as a really shitty way to die. |
April 5, 2011 Hundreds commemorated Martin Luther King Jr’s assassination by marching in Newark, NJ. Others took this occasion to march out of Newark, NJ. |
April 5, 2011 The Obama administration is urging schools to do more to prevent sexual assault on campus. The directive is known as “No You Can’t.” |
April 4, 2011 A Paterson, NJ teacher was suspended for calling her 1st-grade class "future criminals" on Facebook. The school says she overlooked their achievements as current criminals. |
March 31, 2011 President Obama is regaining his poll standing among young people, thus dispelling rumors of erectile dysfunction. |
March 31, 2011 Efforts are being made to reduce the rise in Army suicides, an epidemic that has been robbing the military of perfectly good deaths. |
March 30, 2011 Facebook has shut down a "Third Palestinian Intifada" fan page, thus prompting the stereotype that Jews control the social media. |
March 30, 2011 Researchers say there are more college ‘hookups,’ but more virgins, too – depending on whether you’re an Alpha Beta or a Tri Lamb. |
March 26, 2011 More families are choosing to have funerals webcast, a service known as streaming dead. |
March 23, 2011 Lawrence Taylor said that he doesn’t card prostitutes. He simply has to take in on faith that they’re not overage. |
March 21, 2011 Twitter has turned 5 today. Psychologists worry that, by that age, it should have already begun communicating in more than 140 characters. |
March 20, 2011 Fans are mourning the death of Berlin zoo’s popular polar bear, “Cute Knut.” He is survived by his less popular brother, “Ugly Schrotüm.” |
March 20, 2011 February marked a record high in the US of the cost of living. Economists say those hit hardest should consider dying. |
February 17, 2011 The 2010 Census shows that the number of blacks in South Dakota has doubled, from Duane and Eddie to Duane, Eddie, Natrick, and Louella. |
February 16, 2011 Two TSA agents are accused of stealing $40K from luggage. They say they thought passengers were warned that contents may shift during flight. |
February 15, 2011 Three female judges will preside over the Italian Prime Minister’s sex trial, or what he’s describing as a three-on-one. |
February 14, 2011 Lady Gaga told Anderson Cooper, “I smoke a lot of pot when I write music.” She also admitted to getting high while dressing herself. |
February 12, 2011 The father from “Teen Mom” has vowed to lose weight. He says he realized if he didn’t start eating healthy and getting in shape soon, “she might be the last teen I ever fuck.” |
February 10, 2011 Brooke Mueller will get about $2 million and a Mercedes in her divorce from Charlie Sheen, thus proving his old maxim: "I don't pay them for sex. I pay them to leave." |
February 10, 2011 Improved gene tests can now reveal children born of incest. This replaces the old method of looking at their faces. |
February 9, 2011 A South Carolina woman was accused of giving birth in an arena toilet and leaving her baby to die. She claims she was only dropping the kids off at the pool, in a figurative sense. |
February 9, 2011 The State Department has begun sending Twitter messages in Arabic to better reach out to the Arab world in 140 characters or else. |
February 8, 2011 A new app helps Catholics confess on the go. It is available for the iPod or other touch. |
February 7, 2011 An Arkansas nursing home helped an 81-year-old resident fulfill her lifelong dream of flying in an airplane. Unfortunately, it landed back in Arkansas. |
February 6, 2011 Protesters rallied outside Italy's sex scandal-plagued prime minister's villa, thus fulfilling his sex-while-being-shouted-at fantasy. |
January 18, 2011 Piers Morgan's debut show tripled Larry King's ratings. However, he failed to attract the coveted 88-104 demographic. |
January 16, 2011 The oldest African-American has died at 113. Although, she looked 40. |
January 9, 2011 The Dallas-Fort Worth airport is opposing the opening of a nearby strip club. They say it's not fully secure until strippers are also made to remove their shoes. |
January 4, 2011 Parishioners of a Long Island church may have been infected with hepatitis A, apparently from wafers containing the booty of Christ. |
January 4, 2011 The "N-word" will be edited out of a new edition of "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," even though nowhere in the original can “N-word” be found. |
January 4, 2011 Unemployment rose in Germany in December. Experts are attributing it to the early onset of freezing temperatures, snow, and Jews. |
January 2, 2011 A NYC museum launched the Center of Olfactory Art, which proposes scent as an art form. It's a bold exhibit that many visitors complained was a little too artsy-fartsy. |
December 29, 2010 A man was hit by an SUV while playing a real-life version of the game Frogger. Now he's playing a real-life version of the game Operation. |
December 29, 2010 This holiday season a CA marijuana dispensary traded free pot for canned food, which donors were immediately coming back for. |
December 28, 2010 MTV is airing a special about teen abortion. It should prove controversial since many Americans feel it is immoral to abort a teen. |
December 27, 2010 Actress Natalie Portman has announced that she is pregnant and engaged, in that order. |
December 27, 2010 A survey shows one in three adults experiences workplace bullying, while two in three adults are competent. |
December 26, 2010 RV sales are on the rebound. Makers attribute this to looser credit, stable fuel prices, and people losing their homes. |
December 24, 2010 Voodoo priests blamed for the Haitian cholera epidemic were lynched by angry mobs, thus halting the efforts of Witchdoctors Without Borders. |
December 22, 2010 Actor David Schwimmer is expecting his first child with wife Zoe Buckman. At 44 years old, he credits the news to his excellent Schwimmers. |
December 21, 2010 Katy Perry told a magazine, “I want lots of children" – a statement she’s been telling audiences for years with her waist-to-hip ratio. |
December 21, 2010 A woman with a face transplant has met the donor's husband, though it pained him to look directly at her. Misconstruing his wandering gaze, she snapped: “Excuse me…your wife’s eyes are up here.” |
December 18, 2010 "Jersey Shore"’s Ronnie has been indicted on an assault charge, for an attack on America’s intelligence. |
December 18, 2010 McDonald's is being sued for attracting kids to meals that are high in sugar, calories, fat, and salt by using toys. McDonald’s insists that it attracts kids to meals by using sugar, calories, fat, and salt. |
December 17, 2010 Zimbabwe’s first lady sued a newspaper for $15 million for alleging that she made money from illegal diamond sales. She insists that she only makes money from lawsuits. |
December 15, 2010 A man was arrested after threatening on his Facebook page to use explosives in the DC area, though he's been commended for having the least mundane status updates. |
December 13, 2010 Ukraine will open Chernobyl to tourists in 2011. Since many areas are still unsafe, visitors will be urged to stay on their guide’s tail. |
December 13, 2010 Larry King will say farewell on Thursday, wrapping up the CNN show he started 25 years ago when he was just an old man. |
December 13, 2010 Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split after three years together. Though no apparent reason was given for the breakup, Efron does point out that tomorrow Hudgens turns 22. |
December 13, 2010 In signing a new law to improve the quality of school lunches, President Obama said: "…had I not been able to get this passed, I would be sleeping on the couch." He added, “What I’m saying is now I get to fuck my giant wife.” |
December 13, 2010 General Motors is offering buyers of the 638 horsepower Corvette ZR1 two free days of performance driving school, as well as a lifetime supply of penis enlargement pills. |
December 6, 2010 A study shows that one in three men ages 75 to 95 remain sexually active, and that two in three men ages 75 to 95 are not rich. |
December 5, 2010 Investors are planning a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark in Kentucky. They say the biggest challenge is accurately recreating something fictional. |
December 3, 2010 Army Chief of Staff Gen. George Casey said changing the "don't ask, don't tell" law now would "add another level of stress to an already stretched force." Then he giggled. |
December 2, 2010 The founder of WikiLeaks is targeted by a European arrest warrant on Swedish rape charges, which is slightly milder than deep tissue rape. |
November 26, 2010 A survey says among the motivations of the 37% of South African men who admit to rape is boredom, which has caused many women to take up tap dancing. |
November 25, 2010 A survey shows the iPad tablet is a must-have holiday item for kids, but the tablet they're more likely to get this year is an Adderall. |
November 24, 2010 Kanye West reflected on his “extremely hard year” at a NYC show. For only $100 a ticket, you can still catch Kanye complain live in Darfur. |
November 23, 2010 The pill Truvada reduced HIV infections by an average of 44% among gay and bisexual men compared with those taking a placebo, a control group known as “WTF!?” |
November 22, 2010 The mother of a Palestinian boy whom Israeli soldiers used as a human shield is considering suing them – for plagiarism. |
November 20, 2010 The Pope says that condoms can be justified for male prostitutes seeking to stop HIV. This turnaround comes as welcome news to many health conscious priests. |
November 17, 2010 Thursday marks the Great American Smokeout, which urges all smokers to quit for 24 hours. This day is also noted for its rise in blowjobs. |
November 15, 2010 A Chappaqua, NY politician called police on two 13-year-old boys for selling cupcakes without a permit. He also filed a complaint on a kitten sneezing. |
November 13, 2010 A British man was arrested in Dubai for giving "the finger" to an airport worker. He will be punished by giving the finger to Dubai. |
November 10, 2010 Sotheby's expects a rare pink diamond to sell for $27-$38 million, setting a record price for a jewel sold at auction. The gem comes with a certificate of authenticity and a contract binding the wearer to swallow every last drop of semen henceforth expelled from the giver’s testicles. |
November 7, 2010 A porn mogul wants to open hotels where guests stay for free if they have sex in front of Web cams. The videos should be perfect for voyeurs of homeless sex. |
November 5, 2010 A new poll shows that most teens who engage in oral sex for the first time will have vaginal intercourse within six months - a pattern also found among married adults. |
November 2, 2010 A handwritten letter from Obama has sold for $7000. Experts say a similar note from Bush could garner twice as much based on scarcity alone. |
November 1, 2010 In response to a new policy requiring screeners to pat down passengers' breasts and genitals, the TSA has received a flood of criticism and job applications. |
October 31, 2010 A California officer convicted of dismissing a speeding ticket in exchange for sex has been sentenced to two years in prison. Pleading for a lighter sentence, he asked the judge if “maybe we could work something out.” |
October 30, 2010 Peruvians were upset by a recent 'Modern Family' episode that suggested they “trip over goats and…kill people in the street.” They said it threatens their reputation as a culture that is humorless and easily offended. |
October 27, 2010 A crackdown of a Russian spam kingpin caused a 20% drop in email spam, leading millions of men to falsely believe their penis was adequate. |
October 26, 2010 Norwegian Cruise Line is recompensing five deaf cruisers after failing to provide them aids such as closed caption TV, thus forcing them to enjoy their voyages. |
October 23, 2010 Russell Brand and Katy Perry were married Saturday in a traditional Hindu wedding ceremony at a luxury resort in a tiger reserve in northwestern India. They plan to follow it with a traditional honeymoon in space. |
October 18, 2010 Netflix has launched a channel on Nintendo Wii that streams video without the need for a disc, thereby allowing subscribers to do nothing without doing anything. |
October 16, 2010 A new exhibition is the first in Berlin to chronicle Hitler's rise to power. The show is open daily through February 6, no pets or Jews allowed. |
October 15, 2010 Responding to accusations of bigotry, a rural NY town is dropping plans to force a Muslim community to shut down its cemetery and instead is encouraging its business. |
October 13, 2010 An 8-year-old boy who donated his pet turtle to a Florida aquarium was horrified when it was eaten by an alligator in the same exhibit. The staff apologized and offered the boy a pet ice cream. |
October 12, 2010 Pope Benedict XVI announced an initiative to revive Christianity, lamenting that scientific progress has caused people to believe they can exist without God. He explained that as people become smarter, they also become less stupid. |
October 11, 2010 North Korea recently made its first full connection to the Internet and promises to provide every one of its citizens with high speed refusal. |
October 10, 2010 A North Carolina high school student suspended for wearing a nose ring was readmitted because she belongs to a religion celebrating piercings called the Church of Body Modification, founded in 2008. In reaction to the news, a classmate has announced plans to start a religion of his own called the Church of Drug Taking. |
October 10, 2010 A new study shows that having 1 to 2 drinks a week during pregnancy may not actually harm a developing fetus. Unless it’s a pussy. |
May 7, 2008 On a visit to The Ellen DeGeneres show, Robin Williams said that he and his estranged wife are proceeding with their divorce in a civil manner. The couple has three children – Zelda, 18, Cody, 16, and Robin, 56. |
May 6, 2008 Ashlee Simpson showed off her engagement ring on the Paul O'Grady British chat show. Made of a non-conflict diamond, the ring should pose a stunning contrast to her marriage. |
May 6, 2008 34-year-old country music singer Gretchen Wilson, who dropped out of high school in ninth grade, passed her G.E.D. exam in April, telling reporters that she doesn't want her 7-year-old daughter "to think you can be this successful without an education." Having now passed the G.E.D. exam, her next step is to get an education. |
May 2, 2008 Fighting over the copyright of rare John Lennon footage, Yoko Ono said she had an agreement with Anthony Cox when he shot the footage that it would never be "commercially exhibited, commercially exploited or released" - except perhaps by her. |
May 2, 2008 A former nanny filed a sexual harassment suit against Rob Lowe's wife, alleging that she made repeated crude comments about her boyfriend's genitals - referring to them as "The Outsiders." |
May 2, 2008 Discussing her new memoir, "Audition," on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Barbara Walters admitted to sometimes feeling embarrassed by her mentally retarded sister, saying: "She stuttered tewwibly." |
November 16, 2006 Researchers in Singapore say terrorists have begun to post comedy on the internet to draw in young recruits. Sample jokes include: - A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, and we blow them up. - If you have breasts and I can see your face, you might be an American woman. - How many Israelis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero – there’s no such thing as an Israeli. - Why did the American cross the road? To get away from the twin towers. |
November 16, 2006 A Thai zoo is showing a pair of young giant pandas the equivalent of animal porn videos to teach them how to mate. However, the pandas are still having difficulty reproducing, since the male keeps ejaculating on the female's face. |
November 16, 2006 People magazine picked George Clooney as the Sexiest Man Alive for the second time ever. Asked what he finds attractive, he said, "Sense of humor is No. 1 for me." He added, "I find a great set of tits hilarious, by the way." |
November 13, 2006 A Spanish town council has vowed to banish sexism from street signage by demanding half of all road signs and traffic lights show female figures with skirts and ponytails. It also promises to banish racism from signs by including black figures with Afros and basketballs. |
November 9, 2006 Twenty eunuchs were hired by an Indian city to collect taxes, because they are believed to be stubborn and not take no for an answer. Although, they are relatively flexible when it comes to genitalia removal. |
November 9, 2006 After eight Palestinian children were killed on Wednesday in an Israeli artillery barrage in Gaza, Hamas militants threatened to attack Americans with the remaining children. |
November 6, 2006 Following Saddam Hussein's conviction and death sentence, Sunnis are expected to protest by bombing US troops, while Shiites, who were persecuted under Saddam, are expected to celebrate by bombing US troops. |
October 26, 2006 Ricky Martin recently defended Madonna's adoption of a one-year-old Malawian boy, adding that he too would like to someday adopt. He said, "Adoption certainly beats the alternative: having sex with a woman." |
October 18, 2006 A recent study showed that those aged 65 and older were nearly seven times more likely to be admitted to the hospital than younger patients because of bad reactions to prescription drugs. Another cause of illness that those 65 and older were more susceptible to: being 65 and older. |
October 2, 2006 House Speaker Dennis Hastert expressed concern over what he called "over-friendly" e-mails sent by former Rep. Mark Foley to a former 16-year-old House page, saying that they threatened the GOP's reputation as jerks. |
October 1, 2006 A 65-year-old woman earned two entries in the latest edition of Guinness World Records: one for having the world's longest fingernails at 24 feet 7 inches, and the second for being the world's least fuckable woman. |